GN - MR MATURE READERS, PLEASE OR AT LEAST GOOD IMPERSONATIONS Gourmet Night presents... Power People Lost In Space "Titanic Problems" Based on the 'Today's Discussion' alt.fan.power-rangers thread. [The Jerk Spot. The Rangers are all sitting at a table, all facing the camera.] Andros (facing camera, gentle voice): Hi, everybody, and welcome to our show. TJ: Today's discussion is about Michael Jordan and his possibility of leaving... All (while toasting): Da Bulls! Chris (to Ashley): Can I draw you naked? Ashley: What!?! Chris: It'll help Power People win an emmy. Carlos: And what exactly is your logic here? Chris: Well, 'Titanic' and 'As Good As It Gets' both won several awards, and I doubt it was because of anything besides the nudity. TJ: Oh come on, that would mean that the people of America care about nothing other than seeing Kate Winslet or Helen Hunt nude. Andros: Did somebody say 'Helen Hunt nude'? Chris: I rest my case. Cassie: I think your logic is flawed. Wouldn't that mean 'Monty Python's Meaning Of Life' would have won several awards? Chris: Half-Nudity. Doesn't count. Andros: But what about those other non-actor awards, like best lighting? Chris: I think we all know what bulbs are being referred to there. Andros: What exactly are we talking about? TJ: I think it would take a lifetime to explain the history of feature films to this idiot. Cassie: Well, he wouldn't care anyway. Andros: OK. I don't care what we're talking about, as long as Helen Hunt nude is part of this. Ashley: OK Chris, if you're such a good artist, I want you to draw me wearing this (activates her Gastro Moprher). Chris: OK... Ashley: Wearing ONLY this. Chris: Hello! [Carlos, having heard this previous conversation, gets out his camera.] Cameraman: Hey, I need that! Carlos: No you don't! [While Carlos is getting his camera, and arguing with Cassie, Ashley and Chris are setting up in the small alcove in the Jerk Spot. Ashley is wearing her bathrobe, and Chris is sitting in a relaxing chair.] Chris: OK Bruce, Julius, I just want you both to leave the couch right there. Thanks. Will you two be OK? Bruce (smiling like an idiot): We'll be fine. Come on, honey. Julius: OK, sugarpie. [Those two leave.] Chris: That was wierd. Andros: Exactly how did you talk Ashley into doing this? Chris: I dunno. It's like when you're on the internet and your post is continued gratuitously by some other person. TJ: God, I love that. Ashley: Are these cameras REALLY necessary? Cassie: I'll get rid of them. Besides, I don't want to be in here when it gets ugly. [They all leave Chris and Ashley alone.] Chris: OK... Ashley: So, exactly what do you want me to do? Chris: (thinking) Dance for papa. (talking): Just ...uh... take off the bathrobe. [Ashley takes off her bathrobe.] Chris: (thinking) Oh my lord, the light shines from her and now I know the true meaning of beauty. (drools) Ashley: Well? Chris: Just lie on the bed--er, bed-- er, bed, er be-- just lay there. [Ashley lies in a seductive pose.] Chris: (thinking) I've been waiting for this for a year, so why do I feel uneasy? (talking) I really can't see your Gastro Morpher. [Ashley changes position, allowing Chris a nice view of her features.] Chris: Holy Macaroni! --- [Divatoxic's spaceball.] Divatoxic: For this Titanic referance, I have only one thing to say; FIRE THE TORPEDOES!! Rybog: Torpedoes away! [The Jerk Spot explodes.] Chris: Oh my god, they killed Kenny! And Frank! And Hulk! And Dull! And Willy! And Kieth! And Sam! And... [We see Andros in the water, trying to hang on to a table, which Ashley is lying on.] Andros: You...must...promise...me. You'll...never.. give up no ...matter... what happens, you'll... neve rlet go. Ashley: I'll never let you go, Andros... I'll never let go. [Ashley, true to her word, doesn't let go. The result is that they both sink under water.] Chris: --and Todd, and Chuck, and Forrd, and--Oh great! Do I have to do everything? [Chris leaps underwater, while morphing, and manages to pull those two out of the water and onto one of the table.] Chris: Not much... by the way, I love the wet look. Now just hold it right there... (starts drawing Ashley lying wet and limp on the table) Censor: OK, I think that this is going too far. Andros: Do you mind? I'm trying to DIE over here! Chris: Oh, quiet you. [Meanwhile, Chico, while writing, wonders wether or not the ng thread could become a PPLiS episode.] Chico: (writing) Hmmm... Omigod!!! Pizza Buffet for $2.99! This is worth looking into! --- [Restaurant: Chico and Neumann are treating themselves to the 'Bust-A-Gut-O-Rama' Pizza buffet, for only paying $2.99 each.] Chico: What do you think is in this? Neumann: I dunno. I'm not a real big fan of American Pizza after living in Italy for three years (true story). This kind just seems to lack something. Chico: Speaking of lacking something, it's time to introduce our special guest; Jason David Frankly. [Timmy steps in and takes a seat.] Neumann: So Jason, what special projects have you been working on ever since GN gave you the boot? Jason: Well, I starred in a never-released TV sci-fi show and was offered leading roles in high-profile pornographic films. Chico: Did you take them. Jason: No! Neumann: Hello, hello, anybody home? Do you know what you gave up? Jason: ... ... ... damn! (rushes off) Chico: Well, that concludes today's epi-- Neumann: Wait, what's happening over at Ripoff-land? Chico: I dunno. Let's see... --- [The Dorky Fortress...] Astronemesis: That fool Divatoxic! She destroyed the Jerk Spot, and almost killed the Rangers! Hedgecliptor: So? Isn't that what we wanted? Astronemesis: I wanted to do that!! MemememememememeME!! Smelgar: Why don't you just create a news monster to destroy the Rangers? Aktroms: Yeah, they're still alive. Astronemesis: Yes!! That'll work!! Fire the Sillylasers! [The lasers fire.] --- [At the ruins of the Jerk-Spot, Ashley has put clothes on and the Rangers, all soaked, are staring at the puddle where their Youth Hostel used to be.] TJ: Great! Andros: Well, I suppose it was inevitable. Chris: We've been going to the Youth Hostel for years. Now where are we going to go instead of going home? The YMCA? [Suddenly, they all hear a loud clanging and they turn around to see a gigantic black-ish ship monster.] Shipplate: Hahaha Rangers, I'm gonna crush more than your Youth Hostel!!! Ashley: Not a monster! Cassie: It's always a monster. You actually act surprised. Andros: Let's Run Away!! Gastro Morpher: Nine. One. One. --- [Divatoxic's spaceball.] Divatoxic: She's not going to destroy the Rangers, _I_ will! Fire torpedoes! --- Andros: Guys, I think we need to call on the Gastro Melted MegaHunkaJunkaZord! All: Right!! [The ships come apart and fuse together to form the Gastro MegaHunkaJunkaZord. The zord lands in the street and turns to ShipMate.] Shipmate: OK, Rangers, you're going down! [Suddenly, a second monster, this one made out of ice, lands on the street.] Iceberg: I'm gonna sink your zords, Rangers!! Shipmate: No you're not, I'm going to! Iceberg: I am! [The Gastro melted megazord steps back as those two monsters begin to fight each other.] Iceberg: Your ship is sinking, man! (plunges ice through ShipMate's stomach and the monster begins to fall apart into metal plates on the streets) Andros: Did you guys see that? TJ: We did! [Suddenly, Iceberg faces the Megazord.] Chris: Uh-oh!! Iceberg (holding a giant icicle like a sabre): OK Rangers, I want you to meet Mr Frosty! [Iceberg plunges the icicle into the Megazord's chest.] Andros: Ugh! That's strong! Carlos: He just spiked our main water replication system! This Zord's gonna be flooded in NO time! Andros: Guys, set down to the lower decks and try to patch up the corridors so that the water doesn't get in! Chris: This episode is sounding more and more like Titanic. Andros: GO! [The Rangers leave through the back door.] Ashley: What about you, Andros? Andros: Hey, SOMEONE needs to fight this thing! Ashley: Oh yeah! (leaves) --- [In one of the lower levels, TJ and Cassie are heading down a ladder.] Cassie: I never noticed the ladders put sideways on a wall. TJ: Well, we had to do something about the fact that most of the ship is sideways when we're in Megazord-mode. Cassie: This is taking forever. TJ: I have to use the bathroom. [TJ leaps over the long corridor/drop and lands in the doorway to the BigBathroom.] Cassie: Be careful! TJ: What's the worse that could happen? It's set on a wheel so that it functions in ship and zord modes. [TJ goes into the rotund bathroom, which looks like the warrior-wheel interior except it has a toilet, sink, and mirror inside it. TJ is about to unzip when a burst of water comes out of the toilet and sink.] TJ: Holy Hippo Spit! [TJ rushes out of the bathroom and is about to jump, when he trips and falls into the flooding sideways-corridor.] Cassie: TJ! --- [The Zord-Command room.] Andros: OK, I need status reports from you guys! (TJ): I'm sinking! Andros: Good, keep it up! [Iceberg fires giant snowballs at the zord, causing several parts of it to freeze over.] Andros: Ugh, we can't keep this up forever! --- [Inside one of the Jeffries-tubes.] Chris: Come on, Ashley, we need to get to the rupture! Ashley: I'm right behind you Chris. Chris: I wish it were the other way. Ashley: Shut up, Chris! Chris: OH nuts. Ashley: What? [A large wave of water crashes down and they're both floating under water.] Chris: Bluuggg gluub!! Ashley: Blluuuyuug glluub!! (Andros): Good work, guys, but the ruptures haven't stopped! --- [Iceberg has built extra armour for himself out of the ice he creates.] Iceberg: Ha ha, now I'm more than the tip of the iceberg! Andros: This guy's driving me nuts! (presses buttons on Battle Timer) Flying Voltron Rip-Off Power Punch! [The zord hands come off and after moving around in the air crush Iceberg into a million little cubes.] Andros: Alright! Now I've got to help the others (presses another button on his Battle Timer). Activate Space Doors! [All the doors open up and all water washes out of the zord. After the water rushes down and slowly floods the roads, the Rangers (all demorphed) and flopped down like beached whales on the wet streets.] Andros (over intercomm): Um, you guys OK? --- [Outside the ruins of the Jerk Spot, the Rangers are all seated inside Ashley's car, which they are using as a hangout until the Jerk Spot is rebuilt. They obviously do not fit in such a tiny car.] TJ: This is kinda tight. Cassie: Ashley, you CANNOT hold six people in a VW Jetta! Ashley: Yes we can, it's just a little matter of flexibility. Chris: My legs are stuck in this position. Ashley: Nobody's leaning on a window, are they? All: No! [Adelle taps on Ashley's window. Ashley squirms to free her hand and she rolls down her window.] Ashley: Yes? Adelle: Are you six going to help us? Carlos: I'm not. I just got comfortable and I'm not moving. Andros: Could you, you're sitting on me! Adelle: Forget it (leaves). TJ: Chris, you got the pictures? Chris: Yeah (hands the sheets of paper to TJ) Ashley: What are those? Chris: These are those nude drawings I did of her. Ashley: I never saw those, let me see those. Andros: Hello! Do you really look like this? Ashley: Shut up! Andros: Well people, that's it for today's show. Join us next time when Anaconda will come up with an even more dangerous and evil plan to destroy us, and we'll beat it. Chris: Hear hear. TJ: Special thanks to Jason David Frankly for his guest appearance. --- [The Bust-A-Gut Pizza Palace...] Chico: That was good. I'm stuffed. Neumann: OK... now who's paying? Chico: What's the differance, it's only $2.99 each. Waiter: I'm afraid not. It turns out that you two ate so much you owe us... $348.92. Chico/Neumann: Uh-oh.... executive producers CHRIS NEUMANN JEAN-CHRISTOPHE KARIM [Ashley's car.] | Andros | Christopher Hkayman Islands Lee TJ: I don't care WHAT you say, we cannot | all fit in this car! | TJ | Shellfish Ward Carlos: Someone's crushing my back bone. | | Carlos Chris: I personally think you're all | Roger Tobasco taking this whole thing way out of | proportion. Unless you guys want to | Chris camp out in my car until the Jerk Spot's | Guy Inomnate rebuilt, than stop whining. | | Ashley Cassie: We can't fit in your car! It's | Tracy Lynt Crud a clown car! | | Cassie Chris: Hey, if ten fat clowns can fit in | Patricia Ya Man that thing, than six lean well-bodied | teenagers can. | Guest Starring | Jason David Frankly Ashley: There's no air in here. I'm | as himself going to roll the windows down. | | Contributors: Carlos: NO!! | Phasm Ranger | Chico Alexander [Ashley rolls down the window and Carlos | Catherine Johnson begins to fall out and then stops.] | | Thanks to TJ: Where's Andros? | alt.fan.power-rangers | Zer0com Enterprises --- | | Based on "Mega Rangers" [Meanwhile, across town, Catherine | created by TOEI. Johnson is sketching Andros wearing only | his MiniDisk necklace.] | Protected under the fair- | use parody laws. | | (c) 1998 Gourmet Night